


Gollum's Homecoming

by GuesssWho



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Drama, Everyone Is Sarcastic, Gen, Gollum Is Sarcastic, Humor, Sam Is Sarcastic, Scouring of the Shire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-03-05 13:54:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3122651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GuesssWho/pseuds/GuesssWho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or, The Scouring of the Shire With Added Smeagol</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gollum's Homecoming

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aeternum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeternum/gifts).



> This story begins at the point where Sam is yelling that of course he can't read the notice that says to keep out after dark, because it's, you know, dark.  
> LotR is not mine. Any quotes you recognize are not mine either, or you wouldn't recognize them.

The guards at the gate barely recognized the four hobbits that returned that day. But they didn't--couldn't have--recognized the little scrambling thing that followed after them, currently wearing nothing but the shredded remnants of a blanket. So they were rather startled when it spoke. "Wes can read notice in the dark, we just think it'sss dumb."

"What in the Shire is that?" asked one of them, staring.

"We is not being a that, and wes is not _in_ the Shire yet. Because there is being a _gate_ in the way, Precious." Smeagol spoke with infinite scorn, the scorn of someone who had lived by killing goblins for four hundred and fifty years and is now expected to be threatened by hobbits who don't know how to wield their daggers properly. "So open the gateses, and then you can ask the question!"

"Sorry, but that's against our orders! Chief Lotho was very firm!"

Open the gate now, Hob Hayward," Merry replied. "Or we'll break it down, and I doubt your Chief will like that!"

But the guard known as Hob Hayward shook his head. "More than my job's worth to open the gate to armed and armored people in the middle of the night, even if I do know most of them. Sorry."

At that point Merry and Pippin, being the tallest, jumped over the stupid gate, and Smeagol crawled over after them.

At this point Bill Ferny arrived. "Gate-breaking? How dare you? I'll--oh." He looked at the sword Pippin was pointing at his nose and wisely shut up.

"Open this gate, Bill Ferny, or I'll stab you and leave you for Gollum. He could use a good meal, he's awful skinny still."

Bill Ferny, brave soul that he was, responded by throwing the key in Pippin's general direction and running away, and Bill the pony kicked him as he went. He never did come back, either.

"Now let us in for the night, will you?" asked Merry. "This used to be the inn, after all, it's the least you could do."

"But that's against the Rules!" protested Hob weakly. "Look, I've got a list and everything!"

Hob proffered the list. Pippin promptly snatched said list and handed it to Gollum, who ate it.

Needless to say, they were allowed in.

 

"What's the matter with the Shire?" asked Merry. "Why is it like this?"

Hob sighed. "All the food is being collected by the Chief's men. The pipeweed has been sold East. The damned Chief--"

"Hush!" said one of the other guards. "He'll hear about this!"

"That's because half of you are sneaks!" Hob replied.

"All right, all right!" said Sam. "That's enough. I don't want to hear it. No welcome, no beer, no pipeweed, and a lot of rules and orc-talk instead. I hoped to have a rest, but I can see there's work and trouble ahead. Let's sleep and forget it 'til morning!"

 

The next afternoon they were stopped by what looked like half the police in the Shire, all of whom seemed rather nervous. "You're arrested for Gatebreaking, and Tearing Up Rules, and Assaulting Gatekeepers, and Trespassing, and Sleeping in Shire Buildings Without Leave, and Bribing Guards With Food."

"And what else?" asked Frodo, who was quite amused.

"That'll do to go on with," said the Sheriff.

"I can add some more, if you like!" said Sam, with helpful cheer. "Calling Your Chief Names, Wishing to Punch His Pimply Face, and Thinking You Look Like a Lot of Tom-Fools."

"It's the Chief's orders that you're to come along quiet. We're going to take you to Bywater and hand you over to the Chief's Men; and when he deals with your case you can have your say. But if you don't want to stay in the Lockholes any longer than you need, I should cut the say short, if I was you."

To the rather great discomfort of the police, all five of them promptly broke out laughing--even Gollum, who was rather unused to it and started coughing immediately.

"Don't be absurd!" said Frodo. "I am going where I please, and in my own time. But I happen to be going to Bag End on business. If you insist on going too, that is your affair."

"Very well, Mr. Baggins," said the Sheriff, pushing the barrier aside. "But don't forget I've arrested you."

"I won't," said Frodo. "Never. But I may forgive you."

Then Sam spoke up. "Robin! Robin Smallburrow! What are you doing here?"

One of the policemen smiled at Sam and headed over.

"What are you doing here, Cock-Robin? I thought you had sense!"

"I've been a policeman seven years, I didn't ask for this. And we're not allowed to quit."

"Not allowed? Not allowed? I keep hearing that. If I hear it much more I'm going to get angry."

"Please do. If more people got angry then something might be done. But so far there are too many thugs around--Men, most of them--and anyone who speaks out gets locked up. Beat up too, usually. They have hundreds of police now, scared ones and nasty ones, and it's getting worse."

"Well, things might just change when Frodo has a word with your Chief. And if not Frodo, then Sting will do."

People on the street had been gaping for a while now, looking as through they weren't sure if they were allowed to laugh. The sight of a bunch of mostly-unarmed policemen trying to arrest four armored and sword-wielding hobbits and a demonic little monster in rags was rather comical, especially when Smeagol decided to climb onto the Sheriff's pony and have a nap. Once an old man cheered and cried "Who's arrested who," which nearly caused a bad incident until Gollum hissed "We _likes_ funny old hobbitses!" into the Sheriff's ear.

At the Three-Farthing-Stone the police and their ponies were too tired to keep up, so the adventurers left them behind.

"You're breaking arrest," cried the Sheriff, "and I won't be answerable!"

"We'll be breaking more than that, and not asking you to answer for it," replied Pippin. "Good day!"

 

The road to Bag End was blocked by a group of rather stupid and ugly Men, some of whom looked to have orcish blood. Merry commented that they looked like the men around Isengard, and Gollum muttered about nasty goblinses. They fled when Pippin brought out his sword, though, with Merry and Sam following.

"We got here none too soon," sighed Merry.

"Perhaps too late, at least to save Lotho from his folly," said Frodo. "I imagine these thugs have him prisoner in Bag End, he must be frightened."

Pippin laughed ruefully and shook his head. "Of all the ends to our journey, this is the very last I should have thought of: having to fight half-orcs and ruffians in the Shire itself – to rescue Lotho Pimple!"

"We must raise the Shire," said Merry. "No hobbits but a few rascals and fools want this. They are comfortable people, not used to fighting, but if we can light a spark we can cause a forest fire."

After a bit of arguing it was decided that Sam would find Tom Cotton, head of the community of Bywater, and his boys, and that Merry would blow the Horn of Rohan and call the charge.

 _Awake! Awake! Fear, Fire, Foes! Awake! Fire, Foes! Awake!_ So went the horn-call of Buckland, old as the hills, and Smeagol put his head up in remembrance of the long-age, when he was of the Stoors in the Gladden. "Fires! Foeses! Wake!"

Meanwhile, Rosie Cotton was innocently badgering Sam. "If you've been looking after Mr. Frodo all this while, what d'you want to leave him for, as soon as things look dangerous?"

This was too much for Sam. It needed a week's answer, or none. He laughed helplessly, then rode back to the others with all the Cottons as he had found.

He found a bonfire going, just because it was against the Rules, and the people arming themselves by its light. Soon Tom Cotton was explaining all he knew to the travelers.

"They have axes, knives, a few bows. Shot a few folk, I'm sad to say."

"I knew we should have to fight," said Merry. "Well, they started the killing."

"Not exactly," said Cotton. "Leastways not the shooting. Tooks started that. You see your dad, Mr. Peregrin, he's never had no truck with this Lotho, not from the beginning: said that if anyone was going to play the chief at this time of day, it would be the right Thain of the Shire and no upstart. And when Lotho sent his Men they got no change out of him. Tooks are lucky, they've got those deep holes in the Green Hills, the Great Smials and all, and the ruffians can't come at 'em; and they won't let them come on their land. If they do, Tooks hunt 'em. Tooks shot three for prowling and robbing. After that the thugs turned nastier, and they keep a pretty close watch on Tookland. No one gets in nor out of it now."

"Good for the Tooks!" cried Pippin. "But someone is going to get in again, now. I am off to the Smials."

With that he left, and half a dozen locals followed after him.

Not long after, a troop of thugs arrived and tried to arrest Tom for warming his hands by the fire. When he responded by saying that they weren't wanted the leader drew his weapon--and promptly fell dead, full of arrows. The rest surrendered.

 

They spent the night in Tom's place, learning about how Lotho had bought half the Shire and the orcish men seemed to be ruining things just for the fun of it. How the old mill had been been replaced with a new mill even though no one had any flour to grind, and the nice old houses replaced with ugly flats. Frodo was surprised to hear that some people now rather admired Lobelia--who had attacked a man twice her size with nothing but an umbrella--even if they were kind of relieved that she was in jail.

Meanwhile Sam's old Gaffer, now rather deaf, wandered in and loudly proclaimed that Frodo should have never went away, but that he was back now so everything would be alright.

 

And then came battle. At least a hundred of the thugs arrived, led by a huge brute at least half orc, and were met by the whole gang that had been around the fire and all the Tooks the Smials could spare. The thugs were blocked from advancing by oxcarts, with more carts behind, and arrows were rained down upon them.

The Men surrendered only after Merry stabbed their leader a few times and let Smeagol have what was left ("Gollum likes tasty orcses, yesss") and the rest of that day tended to involve poor Frodo running back and forth, trying to keep angry hobbits from doing the same to the prisoners. Once hobbits realize they have to fight they can be very violent creatures, as the Quest had shown.

But the morning came, and the company went up to Bag End. They were met by Ted Sandyman, the miller's son, who laughed at them from the mill wall.

"What, you didn't go sail away with the elves? You really should, we have work to do and no time for daydreamers."

"You have no time for washing, either, it seems," replied Sam. "Now be quiet and go away."

"You can't touch me," said Ted, "I'm a friend of the Boss's!"

And then a small voice behind him said "Can't we?" And a long thin hand came down on each of his shoulders, next to his neck.

"Wes is not liking you," Smeagol continued. "Yous is being the first of hobbitses we is knowing of that is all bad. Mean cousin lady is hitting bad guys with umbrella, fat hobbit is helping nice Frodo, stupid Chief is being scared, Bilbo is being tricked by Precious, and we is still a bit good after four-seventy yearses in misery in caveses with evil magic ring, but this hobbit is being like orc but dumber and doing so all by his selfses!"

And then Gollum looked Ted Sandyman in the eye and smiled very slowly, and Ted fell into a dead faint, and Smeagol cheerfully crawled back down to the ground. "Wes is going now, Precious."

And on they went.

 

The doorbell at Bag End was broken, and no one responded to knocks. This was probably because it was completely empty.

But when they left again there was a tall man standing there, smiling unpleasantly; one who Merry and Pippin, at least, recognized instantly.

Merry growled. "If I had known all the mischief he had caused, I should have stuffed my pouch down Saruman's throat."

"No doubt, no doubt! But you did not, and so I am able to welcome you home."

Many of the other hobbits saw this, and followed the company to the door. There were mutters of 'kill him' and the like, but Frodo merely ordered him to get out.

"Come, Worm," said Saruman, and out from the woodshed came Grima Wormtongue, who now looked so much like a larger Gollum that there were more than a few double-takes.

"Worm can be staying with us," said Smeagol.

Frodo nodded. "He has done no harm here," he said. "He can stay."

"No harm?" Saruman laughed. "No harm? Ask him where your Chief is before you say that. Worm killed your Chief, poor little fellow, your nice little Boss. Didn't you, Worm? Stabbed him in his sleep, I believe. Buried him, I hope; though Worm has been very hungry lately."

"You told me to, and you starved me!" Grima cried.

"Yes," said Saruman, "you do whatever I tell you. And now I tell you to follow!" And he kicked Grima, then walked off.

Grima's eyes glows red with hatred then, and he drew a knife. He jumped Saruman and stabbed him in the back, then fled back into the woodshed and barred the door.

And so ended Saruman the wise, and the Scouring of the Shire. Although it took three days for Smeagol to talk Wormtongue out of the woodshed, Lobelia had to be given a sedative to make her stop hitting everyone she saw with her umbrella once they freed her and it took an awfully long time to explain to everyone where they'd been all this time, not to mention where Gollum came from.

**Author's Note:**

> Somewhere here there is a "Cold Comfort Farm" reference, can you see it?
> 
> Oddly, the number of words in this story--2430--is also my best guess at Smeagol's birth year.


End file.
